Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
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My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Monday
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.