My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
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Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
marvel comics have peaked
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it