Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
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I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name