Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
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This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
These aliens are taking forever.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.