I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
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I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Oops
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…