roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
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At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?