Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
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Monday Lisa
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
two people or more is called a problem