Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
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*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*checks Timeline*…
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.