You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
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Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Rambo Rambow
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
what’s really going on
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos