I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
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[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Straight people are cancelled
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)