“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
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I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
britain’s three elite institutions
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
getting groceries
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!