i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
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gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
S O O N