Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
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me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Pass gas, not judgment.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.