Well, shit
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A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]