*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
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“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids