When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
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PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Stop it! 😂
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Cow it started Cow it’s going
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
*offers Batman cough drops*
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks