Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
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[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Waiting for the Charmin
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
some Old Testament wisdom
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.