First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
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Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.