Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
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It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*