If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
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There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
why am I working on Labor Day
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.