went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
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Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
ouch