It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
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Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.