I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
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Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
March 16
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
wtf management?!
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”