[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
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Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.