Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
You Might Also Like
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
She puts the hot in psychotic
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.