Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
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what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Yup
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)