tell em, edith-anne
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Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Pickled cat.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest