A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
You Might Also Like
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.