What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
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“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.