My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
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Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.