I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
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You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
This why you should mind your business
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.