i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
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About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Are you ok, human???
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.