If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
You Might Also Like
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live