I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
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“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.