Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
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So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics