Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
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[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.