I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
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Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.