It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
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INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
The future is now.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff