after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
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*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.