You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
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I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.