I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
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When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
three things we don’t talk about
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters