Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
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My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.