You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
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My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.