And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
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exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
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Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come