My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
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Body by cheese-puffs.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
the red hot silly peppers
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you