[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
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Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
couldn’t resist
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.