[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
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Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car