I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
my professor scared me for a second
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear