Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
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My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
incredible book dedication
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Dishonest mechanic?