My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
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My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired